My Own Dark Times

I have found myself in a dark place more than once in my life.  As an abused child, feeling alone and scared, I found myself locked in the bathroom, trying to strangle myself.  I can’t remember what with… something that I had grabbed.  I did not die, I just passed out.  I came too, cried and then asked for help from God, as I had been brought up to believe in a Christian God.  I survived.

I also found myself in a dark place a few years ago.  I was tired from commuting long hours. Work had taken up all my time and energy.  Work was not as enjoyable as it used to be, the recession changed things.  I started to have health problems.  I had time off work as I was often in pain and reacted badly to pain-killers.  Then one day I given a redundancy offer and 24 hours to accept. 

I was in shock for quite a while wondering what to do next. I was open to a new adventure, but then my health got worse and I ended up spending most of my time in bed. I moved a few things into my bedroom as it was difficult to move about.  I ate things that I could grab in my bedroom. I had a laptop and the Internet became my best friend.  I just felt tired and lost. I cried all the time.  I applied for jobs and got rejections.  I needed an income.  I was getting worried. I could not imagine any bright future. I was so depressed.

Then I realised that my periods had stopped and at first, I wondered if this was just the stress and shock. Then I realised that there was another answer to my problems. Menopause.  Phew! Now it would all be over. I could get my life back.  But it just got worse. 

Menopause can be hell

The hot flashes and night sweats started ( I had not really suffered these before). This seemed unpleasant but normal. However, the anxiety attacks, the memory loss, the loss of hair and nail strength, loss of eyesight, loss of hearing in my right ear overnight. These did not seem so normal. I was scared and confused. Then I developed a frozen shoulder which really hindered my ability to care for myself.  I was running out money.  Doing simple things like going to the bathroom, feeding myself and my cat were a huge challenge.  I did not have anyone to turn to. I did not want to end up in hospital.  I felt alone and powerless.  I could not see away out of my predicament.  I did not know what to do. I read some books and ordered some supplements but nothing seemed to help.

I hated everything and hated my life and could not see a good future. In addition, new neighbours had moved in and they had outdoor dogs that barked all night, keeping me awake. My boiler completely failed and I had to buy a new one. Then all my appliances started to break down one by one. A tree fell down and broke my shed and my fence and a storm destroyed my TV dish. Then my computer failed and I kept getting power cuts. Other things started to crack and break in the house. What little money I had was rapidly disappearing. I was getting more and more distressed. My world seemed to be falling apart.

I asked for Help

I finally gave up and cried myself to sleep, begging for help to figure out what to do next.   If there was a God or if there was anything else out there…  then please help me… show me the way out of my current predicament. What should I do?

When I was younger, I had read lots of information about the law of attraction, angels and spirit guides, guided visualisations etc.   I always found that the best way for me to find an answer was to ask for help and then to go sleep.  In the past the answer would often come via a dream or an inspired thought when I first woke up.

This time I woke and I heard a voice say read your old journals.  These journals were on the shelf at the side of the bed.  I dragged myself up to reach them and then after dragging myself to the toilet and to the space where I feed my cat, I got back into bed and started to read them.  They contained lots of information taken from books about law of attraction, manifestation, meditation, spiritual guidance, visualisation etc.  I had long decluttered myself of the books that I had read, but I connected with the words that I had written.  I remembered the joy that I had gained from possibilities that this information could offer me.   I also found pages of techniques that I could use to bring more meaning to my life.

I also read about and remembered my Inner Genie dream that had inspired me so much before. As I remembered I felt a connection again. I felt that there was someone there to help me. I was not alone. I had hope.

Hope

I felt inspired.  These journals brought some light into my dark place.  They brought some hope.  Yes I was still ill and it would take time to heal, but I felt a glimmer of hope inside. Not sure why, but I had a strong feeling that I could find a way out of the darkness. I had hope that I could find a way to a better life.

My journals started me on my spiritual quest again. They also gave me some practical things that I could do to quieten the mind and to stop me thinking of all the things that were wrong with my life.

They also told me one important thing. To change my life, I had to change myself first. I had to change my mind-set. Then my life would improve.  I had some ideas to try. I was willing to try. What did I have to lose.

So, I tried out the techniques and I was amazed to find that over the next few years my life improved.  I also found that surprising things happened to help me on my journey back to wellness.  I found ways to improve my life. My health improved, I lost 42 lbs of body weight and I managed to sort out my finances in order to secure a small income to live on and to bring things into my life that gave me a sense of purpose.  I took up a new hobby of machine knitting which gave me challenges to solve and projects to achieve. I started to grow vegetables in my garden which I loved. I also found a way to feel part of something amazing, the spiritual world.

I particularly enjoyed learning that we have more control over our lives than we believe. In particular I found the books written by Esther and Jerry Hicks which convey the wisdom of Abraham. There are many Abraham videos on YouTube which I find beneficial to my spiritual journey. I also found the science of Bruce Lipton, Gregg Braden and Joe Dispenza were fascinating and gave me a healthier perspective of life. I will write more about these things on this blog.

Today my life is simpler, easier and much more enjoyable.  This was not easy and took time.  I had to challenge myself to change.  I had to figure out what was really important to me and let go of everything else.  I had to learn to trust that the Universe was support me when I made choices from a place of love.

I spent a lot of time with myself, trying to figure out what I liked to do, who I wanted to be. Work had been my life and now I had to find a new life. One with a lot less money and a lot more time. Slowly things have come into my life and today I am in a much lighter place. Of course I am still not totally OK with becoming ‘old’ so I tell myself that “I am getting younger, stronger and more beautiful every day”. It seems to be working!

Over to You

You may be in a dark place, or you may just feel that the light is fading, I strongly urge you to connect with your own Inner Genie.  Ask for what you need; a hint/solution of what to do or the strength/courage to do what you must do.  Then open your heart and wait for the answer. 

Perhaps your Inner Genie has led you to this blog.  If so, I am excited that you are here.  I encourage you to read further and explore and play with the various techniques that helped me improve my life.  I am sure than they will help you too.